The Devil's Punchbowl
by Daphne
Summary: Snape puts sleeping potion in the nonalcoholic punch, but the punches get switched. The teachers all fall asleep, the students get drunk, and everything goes wrong when Ron becomes an artist, Lavender is a stripper, and Snape... R/R to find out!!!


A/N: This really isn't very good. Yes, there is a plot, somewhere There is a plot! I just hope you realize what it is Anyway, the Devil's Punchbowl is actually a 600-ft. deep part of Lake Crescent in Washington. I like the name though. I really hope you like it, and laugh and whatnot, but if not, what the heck? I actually wrote, and finished, a story!!! YAY!!! Anyway, it's not mine, kay? Adios. ~~Daphne

The Devil's Punchbowl

"This is the last time last time" Professor Snape mumbled as he sped through the corridor. 

"Why Severus!" Sibyl Trelawny announced in her syrupy voice, "Why on earth aren't you in the teacher's meeting? Are you ill?"

"Heavens no, madam. Now please excuse me, I'll be on my way"

"Not while I'm alive! You look like you've been hit by a Mack truck!"

"And that is exactly how I feel. Leave me alone, Professor, or I may have to mention to the ministry about what is going on between you and Professor Stomacher. You know that teacher-teacher relationships aren't allowed in Hogwarts!"

"I'll be on my way then." She sniffed and turned sharply on her heel, walking away as a blur of flowing fabric.

"Shows her." He murmured, regaining his course once more, this time with a smirk on her face. 

He turned abruptly into the kitchen. Immediately, all of the house elves stopped what they were doing and stared at him with their rather large eyes.

"Well! Carry on!" He regained his usual sneer. They immediately began to scurry around in a frenzied manner. Dobby accidentally knocked the cold soup on Twiggy, who twirled around and got pudding in Goffydoff's eyes, who ran around in circles screaming "NO YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME DRINK THAT SOY SAUCE!"

"Glad things are back in order." Snape replied, and crept silently to the punch table. There were two bowls, nonalcoholic and alcoholic. He pulled a vial out of his coat pocket and dumped it promptly into the nonalcoholic punch. Sleeping Potion. That would keep the children asleep for weeks. 

When he turned around, the corn on the cobs had been stuck in Happy's ears, while Dopey was pounding Skippy's head into the mashed potatoes screaming "Die, b****, die!" Snape pretended like nothing had gone on and went on his way.

Soon after, Goffydoff knocked the punch bowls off the table. "Oh, d-d-dear!" He thought, and put them back. Unfortunately, he put the bowls in the wrong spaces. 

The evening would definitely prove interesting.

*

"May I taste the punch, Dobby?" Dumbledore asked the grief stricken house elf.

"Yes, sir, yes." He stuttered. The mess had been cleaned up, but he was still a bit shaken about the incident. Dopey had to sit time out in the corner, Skippy has a broken nose, Happy and Goffydoff had to go to the hospital room. Nevertheless, everything was spotless.

The Headmaster took a tiny sip of the teacher's punch. "Mmm, makes me woozy! Brandy, is it?"

"We emptied out the liquor cabinet this time. It has a mix of vodka, brandy, and scotch. You say it's your favorite, and Dobby tries so hard to please his mast- boss."

"Nah, this old bean can still handle it." He grinned. "Well! Send it out!"

Two words: Oh. No.

*

"Hey Harry?" Ron pounded on the bathroom door. 

"What?" He replied, slightly perturbed that someone had interrupted his "combing of the hair".

"Are you ready yet?"

"Spiked or not spiked?"

"Does it look like I really care?"

"Just tell me."

"Spiked. NOW are you ready? Hermione is complaining."

Harry opened the door. His dress robes had been pressed; he had gotten new shoes. He had even trimmed his nails. His glasses were (gasp!) on straight. Then, he had _spiked_ hair. Ron shook his head and pointed to the door. He left immediately.

"Harry, how much gel did you put in your hair?" Hermione asked.

"It's L.A. Looks! Don't you love it?"

"I said, how much-"

"Sore wa himitsu desu." He smirked; one eyebrow had shot up from his female counterpart. She shook her head and led him down the stairs.

They made their way to the Great Hall, which had been decorated with multicolor balloons and streamers. This wasn't entirely a formal occasion; they had even hired _Devil's Punchbowl_, the hottest wizard band since Mozart.

"Oh man, Jager is so hot!" She pointed to the lead singer.

"I like Rebekah much better" The female guitarist winked at him. A glazed look swept over his eyes, and he acquired a dopey grin, and Hermione promptly smacked him.

"How dare you! I am your date here!"

"But you just said-"

"That doesn't matter."

Ron and Lavender arrived fifteen minutes later. Immediately, Lavender had a scowl on her face.

"Oh my God, Mione." Her scowl had deepened into a fierce frown. Hermione even thought she heard her growl.

"What?"

"Cho Chang." She said simply, and pursed her lips together until they were a white line, even through all the red lip-gloss.

Hermione averted her gaze to where Lavender was looking. Cho Chang had the exact same outfit as Lavender.

"Oh man, Lav, I'm so sorry!" She pouted her lip, touched her friend's arm, and walked away. Lavender clenched her fists together.

"Even my friends are insensitive."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the dance floor (he had made sure of that), Draco was looking at the same person she was.

"So who is her date?" His mouth had drawn down at the sides. 

"Fredrick Dumas." Goyle replied.

"Dammit, I knew that-" He stopped himself. "Why?"

"Well you _did_ break up with her, Draco." Goyle stuttered.

"No crap, I mean why _him_?"

"No one knows."

"Well she never ceases to amaze me. She wore my favorite of her dresses on purpose, didn't she?" It was very Jennifer Lopez at the Grammy's' style, with hardly any coverage. Black, of course, with a deep V-neck going down just past her navel, then very high thigh slits. That _would_ be Draco's favorite dress, wouldn't it?

"That would be assumed."

"You think she's trying to make me jealous?" He muttered.

"Uh"

"_I knew it!"_ He scowled and snapped his face to the side, no longer looking at her. "Come on, Pansy. We'll go get some punch." The airhead blonde-in-disguise nodded and followed him like a sick puppy. This was just the beginning.

*

"Come on Ronniekins! Let's go play in the limbo contest!" Lavender dragged the protesting ball of energy by the arm towards the center of the dance floor.

"Want to go?" Hermione asked. 

"Nah, let's go get some punch instead. Shall we?" She took his offered arm and walked towards the punch table. He got a cup of punch for himself and his date, and then turned around. Draco was glaring at him with icy blue eyes.

"Eww, it's Potter." He said in a nasal tone.

"_Eww, it's Malfoy!" _Harry replied in a mocking, high voice. Draco shoved him aside and got some punch for Pansy then himself.

"Come on Pansy, we don't want to be around this scum." He sneered and walked away, taking a small sip of the punch. "Hmm, this punch is good!"

Harry whipped around to face his date. "You'd think after all the years"

"Just forget about him." She said, just as Lavender appeared out of nowhere, Ron dragged behind him.

"Lav, baby, my hand is turning purple" He grimaced.

"Oops, sorry honey." She let go. "I WON SECOND PLACE!" She held up a lei and a sparkly medal. "Poor Ron got 36th. We still love him!"

"So who beat you?" Hermione asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." She snapped, stiffening up instantly.

"It was Snape." Ron said sadly. Lavender glared at him. "They had to know the truth!" His voice cracked. "I WILL NOT LIVE A LIE!"

"It's okay. Anyway, how is the punch?" Lavender asked.

"Actually, it's not too bad. Have some!" They took the offer, and just as they did, Dumbledore's voice was amplified so the entire Great Hall could hear him.

"We are hear to celebrate the b-" And at that minute, he collapsed. 

"Dumbledore!" McGonagall cried, running up to the podium. BOOM! She was out like a light before she knew what hit her.

Soon, all the teachers were on the floor snoring? A deathly silence swept over the student body. 

"PARTY AT MY HOUSE!" Dean Thomas, sitting next to the punch, yelled, then burped. He was the first to break the silence. 

And as if nothing had happened, people began to party like they had never before. The band started to play; Harry and Hermione finished their punches, and got seconds.

"This punch is great!" Hermione goggled, producing a huge belch.

"WHOA! Great job, Herm!" Seamus gave her a high five then pinched her butt. She squealed, then collapsed in heaves of laughter. 

"I'm FINE. Are we going to dance or not?" She grabbed Harry and pulled him into the center of a mosh pit.

"Hey baby." Draco crept behind Cho and put his hands on her hips. She twirled around. "I'm sorry for what I said, it was wrong. I love you, Cho!"

They are the only people in Hogwarts history to ever freak dance during a slow dance. 

"Dude, my eye itches." Ron began to rub his eye frantically.

"Here's some Visine." Lavender handed him a tiny bottle.

"No, it's a mental thing." He kept scratching his eye, the gears in his brain churning. "Now is the time." Lavender gave him a quizzical look. "I have to create My masterpiece. My life's dream! I have to do it now." He grinned and convulsed, racing towards the Gryffindor tower. Lavender shrugged and jumped on a table.

"Hey everybody! LOOK AT ME!" And as simple as that, the dress robe was gone and all that was left was a bra and a pair of purple silk panties.

"IS THAT A THONG?" Seamus yelled from across the room.

"Yeah!" She giggled, cart wheeling across the table.

"Come to Dean's room! It's a great party!"

"OKAY!"

"What is something that you've always wanted to do but never been able to?" Hermione asked Harry. He glanced over at Stripper Lavender and a dopey grin swept across his face. "BESIDES THAT!" She smacked him with her purse. 

"Well, I would like to change my grade in Potions." He sighed.

"Want to?" She asked, an evil glint in her eyes.

"What? Hermione! That's not-" 

"Don't EVER tell me what to do!" She clenched her jaw and glared at him. He shut up instantaneously.

"Well I think we should move Snape somewhere that if he wakes up, he can't get out. So we won't get caught." She heaved the lifeless body over her back. Unfortunately, blood was still pumping through her veins. When Harry moved to take the load, she hissed. From then on, it was Hermione in charge. They went up to her dorm room and locked him in her closet. On their way downstairs, they heard someone yelling.

"Harry?" Ron yelled, rushing out of his room. "HARRY?"

"What?" He spat.

"Can I use your bed?"

"Sure, why?" But before he could get an answer, Ron had disappeared back into their room. He shrugged it off and left to the Potions room.

**__**

3:11 AM

"So what you're saying is that you'll give me 50 bucks to switch to Cingular Wireless?" Lavender asked. She was lying on the floor of Dean's room. About five guys were bent over her, doodling on any bare skin with gel pens. A pink cell phone was duct taped to her ear. The rest of the people were watching a special on Christina Aguillera and how she and Britney Spears may be long lost sisters. MTV came up with the weirdest stuff.

"You're kidding! Fifty bucks and 7 cents a minute anywhere in Britain! You've got a deal, Miss What's your name again?" She giggled drunkenly.

"What's my name again? What's my name again?" Dean sang loudly the lyrics of the wonderful Blink 182. 

Harry and Hermione heard this as they passed their dorm. They just shrugged it off, taking another swig of the punch they couldn't get enough of. 

"Well we'll go put Snape back where we found him and-" Hermione gasped as she opened her closet. There was Crookshanks, chewing on Snape's remaining leg. The rest of him was pure bone.

"Oh my god, Crookshanks, YOU KILLED SNAPE!" Harry gasped in horror. That cat was turning into a real Hannibal Lector. The pure sight was grotesque enough! The cat was covered in blood and guts, and to make it worse, he licked his lips.

"Oh my god! Look what you did!" Hermione scolded Crookshanks in a "coochie-coo!" voice. "What you did was bad! Very very bad, Mr. Crookshanks! You could get a disease!"

Harry stared in shock at what she was saying. "A _disease_, Hermione? YOUR CAT KILLED A TEACHER!" He began to pace. "What do we do with the body?"

"You mean what's left of him?" Hermione asked.

"The corpse, Hermione. The corpse!" He said, aggravated.

"We could feed it to Crookshanks!" She smiled. "Mister Crookshanks must have been a very hungry muffin, huh!"

"You're supposed to be the brains of this operation, Hermione!" He put his hands on his head. "Well, just think about it for a while, okay? Let's go check on Ron."

They left their room (Hermione put Crookshanks back in his cage for "time out") and made their way to the boy's dorm. Upon arrival, Ron greeted them with a smile. 

"Thanks for letting me use your bed, Harry. I think it's very generous of you." Harry looked at what had become of his room.

The mattress of his bed was hung on the wall, and layers upon layers of paint had been splattered all over it. It was ugly, and the paint itself smelled bad and looked sticky and gross. He had no idea Ron would be using his mattress as a canvas.

Ron himself was covered in paint, also. He had used his own mattress as a trampoline after had poured paint on himself and jumped onto the "canvas". 

"Eww Ron, what did you DO to my BED???" Harry asked in shock. Hermione actually analyzed the painting.

"That is beautiful, Ron. Your painting displays the irony of man against man; it's an expression of freedom. Your painting is so amazing; you've used a variety of colors and values. I think it's quite successful in the third aesthetic view. Great job, Ron."

"Gee, thanks" He blushed. 

"I think it's ugly." Harry said bluntly. 

"Well now I know who my real friends are" A tear rolled down his cheek. 

"Just kidding!" Harry said, forcing a fake smile. Ron brightened up immediately. "Hey, you think you could help us with something?"

"Sure!"

"Well, Crookshanks killed Snape. How can we make it seem like it's not our fault?"

"Simple."

**__**

Three Days Later

"We are here to honor Severus Snape, who died on Thursday, March 11. It was obviously a suicide: he made hungry cats and dogs rain from the ceiling in the dungeon and hanged himself there, letting the animals eat him. 

"I take full responsibility, after all, it was my fault he didn't have fun at his birthday party."

Epilogue

Ron's Painting, "Golf in the Park", is now hanging in the Louvre and is renowned for it's uniqueness in material and style.

Lavender is quite happy with Cingular Wireless, and is happily dating Ron, even though he wasn't happy about how she stripped in front of anyone else but him.

Harry and Hermione ended up very happily together, but Crookshanks died from "unknown causes". We all know what really happened


End file.
